cried

Internship is in the counting down stage now. I did what i usually do today. But there's something happened today really made me want to cry.

At about 9, we were busy doing the routines and kept thinking about "how can we so busy?!" Suddenly, one patient passed away. It was too fast to realize when it happened and next minute, i saw family rushed in. It was a man at about 45, drunk driving and in coma for few days. His wife, kids and father yelled his name, wanted him to wake up, yelled "You can't leave us, you promised you'll quit drinking and be a good person! you promised me!" "Dad, wake up! i know you are just feel sleepy now! WAKE UP!!!!"

At first, i was recording my patient's status. But when i saw the scene, i felt very sad. I came up with my parents. The man's kids are little, just 12 yrs old. The scene made me think about one day, my parents will leave me and my brother. To think that, i started to cry. I just didn't know why.

After that, the kids saw me typing. They came and curious about how can i typed so fast. We had a short talk, and i encouraged them, "You guys must be strong, from now on, you have to take care of your mom and the family." they nodded. "We will. thank you."

Finally, they started their way to home, where the county next to the hospital. They carefully informed the man, "Dad, now we are going to home. We are leaving the hospital...."

It was a farewell day to the family but just another busy day for us.

I need courage

When was the last time you felt confident? I can't remeber, actually.

Today is the last day of internship, we had evaluation at school. Before the evaluation, we had to present your paper first. Although I knew I didn't pay much attention on the d*mn paper but i still felt anxiety about presenting it in front of whol group.

It's quit fortunate that i was the third one to present. Last time i was the first one and totally screwed up! Anyway, the 2 presented before me were very anxiety as well. One even had been nervous since we decided who to be the first.

Because of critical thinking is a major part of our university nursing education, instructors always put it as our first priority. That is, you must keep thinking every detail is logical or not. Honestly, i'm very weak when it comes to this point. During the whole process of learning how to care a clent, i knew i'm good at reading the order but i don't know how to figure out the interventions and assess appropriately, even though i've had internship for whole semster.

Then it was my term to on the stage, I was nervous as usual. When the members started to ask me question, i was totally out of control. I can hear my voice were lower and lower, and finally murmured to myself. It sounds stupid, but that's what happened today. Even though the girl pointed some mistakes that actually not real, i can't tell her what i thought. All i could do was stood there and said, "oh, i didn't notice that. Myabe i should be more specific." Untill teacher said. "You weren't wrong, all you have to do is being more confident! you can do well, i know."

That's the crux. Sometimes i think i'm not that suck, but sometimes i felt i don't have those things that can make myself proud as well. Take the paper for example, i already knew i won't get good score all because i started too late and wanted to escape from it. Of course i got very bad score and feel frustrated again. There are just too many things that make me think i'm not superior and lack of confidence.

What can i do?

Wisdom teeth

Yes, i got my wisdom teeth extracted.

Last week i felt my right chin hurt and went to the dentist. Before i went, i thought maybe it wasn't cause by wisdom teeth. I remeber last semester, when we had internship in pediatric unit, there was a girl had the same problem but it was cause by upper airway infection. Anyway, the dentist told me that he'll "do something" on my teeth this week.

At first i didn't understand what did he mean "do something", but this week he told me he'll extract my wisdom teeth!!! What?!?! EXTRACT?!?! I felt exciting and suprised at the same time, Cause i never etracted any wisdom teeth before.

He explained the procedure and what will it be to me. Because my teeth was still in the gum, he had to cut my gum then took the teeth away, it's different from normal teeth extraction. Then he started to apply anesthesia medication. It was a weid feeling, at first i felt numb on my right chin, my lip, then half of my tongue. Finally i can hardly feel the tools touched my mouth.

At that moment, i started to feel scared. Lots of bad thoughts was running through my head, i was afraird of after the teeth extraction i will bleed a lot then get severe infection. (That's what i read from some medical magazine.) And also think about what was the dentist doing. I felt time slow, i wanted to finish all of it RIGNT NOW!

About one hour later, he extracted my teeth successfuly. I saw that teeth and felt disgusting. It was a big and also had some of my gum on it! And the dentist told me my wound is deep, so i have to take care of it carefully. It was a big trouble, i can't drink and eat all night. (Well, it's a smart move that i had dinner with my brother before i went.) Have to apply some ice on my cheek for 20 minutes per hour, and can't spit or rinse. Being a patient is so hard and boring!

It was a special experience to me. It let me realize event though you are a nurse or a dcotor, the moment you are in the clinic, you are still the patient. We must take care of all the patients no matter what.

Finally

I finished my paper this morning!!!!

there's nothing can compare with the happiness that the moment i finished it!!! i didn't sleep last night bur was so exciting that i just finished all of the papers this semester!

This morning, i met other classmates in the print room. All of us had a huge homework. Mine was 22 pages and the others are 28, 32 pages! It's definitely the biggest homework ever! Although there will be another big one during summer vacation. But right now, who cares? We just want to seize the period that we have before finals.

The results of 3 days sleepless in a row is that i slept in the class.

i HATE paper!

Right now feel like i'm going to throw up in every minute! Damn, I HATE PAPER!!!

It really take a long time to finish one, every time i just keep complaning about i don't want to do the homework. Unfortunately, this time i'm still doing what i did before as usual. I didn't sleep 2 days in a row, only noded for 2 or three hours a day. But when woke up, i still can't find the motivation to do, even though the dead line is tomorrow.

Even though the paper is huge, i still had to go to club tonight. But honestly, when you having another thing in mind, it's hard to be concentrate on what you are doing now. So i didn't pay much attention on tonights meeting, it sucked! I think maybe others were hoping i can say more or start a new topic. But i just can't help thinking about that i haven't finish my paper.

Finally, i'm back. But the problem now is that I DON'T WANNA START! i got no idea to write, my creativity just disappear. Sometimes i feel very frustrated, I don't think i hate the process to collect information that my paper need nor talk to patients. But i DO hate to do homework! It's very boring and time-consuming.

Worst of all, your life will be very unhealthy. You'll stay up few days in a row, keep drinking coffee and eating snacks but don't want to have a real meal. Cause you didn't have enough sleep, you'll easily disconcentrate in classes. Finally, you'll find out you messed up EVERYTHING.

I HATE PAPER!!!

Good!

Finally, i finished the mid-term. God, I 'm so glad it's over! I do like the children but I hate the exam! Those thing was killing me! But I found out that it's good to study in the early morning. The air is fresh and it's very quiet that time. Best of it, the study room is only few people inside! I can easily concentrate on study. Maybe I should change my way to study.

Recently start to think about my future. I don't want to be the one that just the same as others, do the same thing and nothing special happened. Graduate, take the exam, prepare to work, go to work, get married. Then waht? That's not the life I want. But what kind of life I really want? I ideal lifestyle is do what i like and still have time to travel around the world. How to do that? I'm not sure, but i'm trying to figure out.

Keep waiting

Since miss my family so much, finally i decided to stay in Taipei for one night. Last night ate night snack with Dad and Jerry, we talked a lot and also shared some anicdotes.

Because of the PE mid-term on Monday, I have to go back to school earlier. Although mom waked me up early and took me to the station, I still can't get here early. I waited for the school bus for almost one hour! I can' believe it!

When back to here, I felt tired. Right now I just feel very tired only because of the exams.